Tuesday, May 27, 2008

in case you were wondering what being horrified is like

The definition of horror is: hanging out at work telling one of your coworkers about the very cute dress you just got that made you think of her when she suddenly smacks your hips and says when'd you get these? But let me explain.

The coworker is definitely one of the prettiest in the office, and she's the kind you look at and can't believe has ever been pregnant, ever, because she's still shaped like you were freshman year of college. Only taller, and better at it. And ten years older than you were then.

You've gained about five pounds since February or so, which is fine, you're not fat at all, but you do tend to gain it in the hip/butt area (baby got back) so you're kind of self conscious about it already. Plus, that skirt you're wearing makes them look much larger than they actually are, just saying. And you were so excited this morning because you've turned a lovely shade of brown this weekend (hardly burned at all), you're starting to look ethnic again, so while skinny white girl works less for you now, dang. Just take it all away there. Wha-pow.

To be fair, she told you it was a compliment. To be fair, you look fine. But to be really fair, she smacked you near your butt like look at that thang! Had she yelled my, Sara, what a nicely-shaped bottom you have or have you started running again? or I hope my daughter grows up to have hips like yours, it might have been a little better. However, not the case for you.

And now you're shuffling down the hallway with your hands pressed against the sides of your legs and they all know. The coworker who's six months pregnant walks by with a knowing head nod that says they only get bigger from here.

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