the more things change, the more they stay the same

what does that even mean? i mean, really, how does that make any sense? the whole meaning of change is that things are different..not as they once were..altered from their previous state. certainly some things can change while others remain the same, but only those that are independent of one another. i.e. moving to another house will generally not affect what time you sit down to dinner or how often you do your laundry, so while you are in a new atmosphere, nothing else really changes.

but what about the bigger things? what happens when people break up, or get married, or make new friends and lose old ones? when people move on or away or apart? i guess what i'm mostly talking about is this often quoted phrase in reference to people. which brings me to my point--do things really stay the same even as they change? are problems ever actually solved? like lovers' quarrels or family issues. can people ever be different? can we learn from our mistakes? can we ever forgive and forget? because that's what it all comes down to isn't it? the reason that even though times goes by and kids grow up and problems are resolved for the moment, things always have this funny way of popping back up again. what's that they always say...the past is never really dead?

i have a very good friend who talks about the cyclic nature of her life all the time, and i don't think it's just her; i think it's everyone. we keep coming back..to what we know or who we know, to what's comfortable and familiar. how can things ever be different when we always seem to be trying so damn hard to hold on? to how things were, or how we wish they could be, to those we've lost--in every sense of the word, to unreached dreams and unaccomplished goals, to the places we never went or things we never did, to things we should have and wished we would have said. that part of us never changes.

i always half-jokingly say i'm going to run away, usually to california (or italy if california doesn't feel far enough that day), and the truth is, i don't think it would even matter. can there be a true starting over? you can't escape who you are or your life at its very basic level because it all goes where you go. changing your location or job or even name and identity, should you choose to go that far, doesn't matter. things may change, at least on the outside, but inside, maybe in the places we don't even let anyone see, things are the same. we are the same. we remember everything: the good, the bad, and all the in between. we don't let go, we don't move on, at least not completely. the past, it's always a part of us, it's who we are. if you think about it, our lives are continually made up of yesterdays. it could be said we'll always be more of who we were than who we are.

in light of recent events, i've realized that no matter how much you may think that your life is different now, that past problems and dramas are gone and done with, or the people around you have managed to trick you into believing that this time around things really aren't the same, all it takes is one slip of the curtain veiling reality to see that it couldn't be further from the truth. change is a relative term. the reason the more things change, the more they stay the same is because things don't ever actually change. and people certainly never do, not really. some problems just don't have solutions. and maybe there's no such thing as "different," maybe it's all just a slight variation on the same.

who knows? maybe i'm too far into or caught up in this to see that things have changed, can change, will change. maybe the saying has nothing to do with any of that. i'd like to believe, believe that at some point, one day, things will different, and not only be different, but better. still, better could just be a relative term, too, now couldn't it? maybe this is better, maybe this is the best it's ever going to get. and then there is always the very likely possibility that i don't know what the heck i'm talking about and when i come to a clearer realization later i'll want to delete this post for being completely unreasonable and irrational. i don't know. i'm starting to think i might not know anything anymore. let's just say my curtain on reality has most certainly and definitely been pulled wide open.