Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Pride, Penance, and Poker

So, I was going to write a post about my newly apparent addiction (I mean physically, people, as in I'm having withdrawals) to Sundrop. And then I was going to write about how much I really hate Hannah Montana. And then I was not doing my homework, and then -

uloveny (11:55:28 PM): also.. ive decided in order to start making more money...i should start gambling
cheezygrin3 (11:55:37 PM): what, seriously?
uloveny (11:55:39 PM): im very lucky at cards, etc
uloveny (11:55:40 PM): hahaha

So picture this: Nicole is four foot five (and half an inch). I'm not kidding. Her blog name was going to be Bitesized, because actually she is. Ned has a mouth the size of Lake Superior, and she fits right in there.

You should also know that our Nicole is a sweet Catholic girl. She knows the name of all four archangels, and she loves this movie called The Nun.

Now, I've never played poker before but clearly it's a men-only kind of game, for every reason you could think of, including (but not limited to):

1. Men are smarter and therefore better at games involving luck.
2. Only real men can shuffle a deck of cards, especially a new one that needs to be broken in.
3. Playing poker involves drinking whiskey, wearing sunglasses, and spitting in a bucket, all of which are unacceptable for women.
4. The whole thing involves the exchange of money.
5. Men aren't women, and women can't play poker for all of the above reasons.

Now, Nicole's pretty smart (and therefore luckier), and she can shuffle like nobody's business. And we'll not talk about her ability to hold her liquor. But she's really not very burly. However...

So, shady room and shadowed eyes, we have our five players seated at a table. The camera moves in. Player #3 is deep in thought, his eyes fixed, sweat on his hairline. Player #2 picks up a card, his arm like a massive hairy ham. Player #2 looks the part. Players #1 and 4 make eye contact briefly, and the former adjusts his ball cap. You almost don't see it, but the camera pans over Player #5, our Nicole. Only her eyes and the tops of her cards can be seen above the edge of the table. She's a real poker player, and real poker players don't use booster seats or phone books. It's just them, their cards, and the feeling of backside on wood, like being in the wild. There is a sound like quickened pulse, and Player#2 drops of bag of coins on the pile. Thunk-thunk. Thunk-thunk.

But then Nicole has laid down her cards, and it's a royal flush! The men are throwing down their cards, turning over their chairs. This breaks all the rules of poker! But little Nicole has her arms around the pile of money and liquor and bartering tools and is sliding it into her bag. There is wild cackle as she's running toward the door and Player
#4 swipes at the bag, but here Nicole uses her strengths - she's too short, his hand misses by whole feet.

On Tuesday nights in the darkened corners of pubs, this is where you will find her, winning money and ruining lives. So if any of you ever thought you knew the real Nicole, now you know.

Keep your cards close, and your money closer, and - especially to you men - your pride closest of all.

(Actually, she really just steals it from the indulgence pot, but hey, there are worse ways to make money!)



nicolioliolio said...

oh my gosh, sara, i don't even know where to start. that is quite possibly the most amazing thing i have read in my life, as well as the most amazing that will probably ever be written about me (prior to all the biographies done about me for all my achievements in acting and screenwriting, but i digress). i was laughing so hard i was in tears. that is absolutely incredible. thank you very much.

one thing though... 4'5"!?!? come on! i'm short enough as it is without you shaving off 6 inches. cut a tiny girl some slack! ;-p

sarawr said...

haha, you're so crazy. and puh-lease, i gave you four inches, easily. :p =)